Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
