I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
