I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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