I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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