nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
