Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
