If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
