I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
