So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
