I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
