Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
