I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
