Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
