And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
