I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
