I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
