They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
