If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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