if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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