Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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