Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
