It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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