If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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