i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
