just come out here and I will go home with you...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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