If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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