My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
