You can't special order awesome
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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