A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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