I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
