How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
