anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
