the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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