He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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