its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it hurts more in the daytime
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
