Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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