I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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