Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
