My first STD was from a foam party
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
