Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
