is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
so much tequila, so little girl.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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