i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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