I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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