She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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