as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
