apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
