Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
