I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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