hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
