Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
